fourteen

im not emo. things are better. i hope it will continue to be.....

thirteen

7:00 i went back to sleep
8:30 i woke up

reality : you're still not coming back

i wish to sleep more and more and more until im ready to face my life again.....

twelve

5:20 AM

i woke up.

i cant sleep.

i feel empty again.

eleven

9:00 pm

i was trying to prepare for my exam and interview tomorrow but i cant focus.
i am waiting for you.

i want to cry.
i feel so uninspired.
i feel so lonely.
but
im trying to be positive.. trying my best...

god pls give me more strength....

ten

its 4:30 AM.

my brother left for work and im left alone at home. i could hear the water dropping from the two fish ponds. i opened my laptop and logged in hoping you would somehow left a message while i was asleep. weird huh? how i hope for something which i knew you won't do. my feelings are too strong that controlling it leaves me so weak and painful. i dont want to ask God why. i dont want to complain. i dont want to think. i want time to pass by. i cant imagine living without you. im too scared to even try thinking about it. 

they said love is patient and kind, is this really love that im feeling? it took me a year before i fall in love after him but i guess it will take me more than a year to fall in love again this time. or will i ever fall in love? can i let go of my love for you?

my life would've been so happy if we can be together. i would've been so inspired to do my best if i can have you. things would've been so much better and my heart would've been so much lighter if you're free. 

i realized that love makes you do things which you never thought you could do. it softens your heart. lengthens your understanding. it may break you into pieces but it molds you to become a stronger person. 

when i was in elementary school the priest asked me, "which is harder TO LOVE or TO BE LOVED?". i said to love but he said i was wrong. To be loved is harder because you can't choose who will love you. i think this time, they are both same if not reciprocated well. i guess, loving is one of the things in life which needs a lot of time to prepare, courage to begin and acceptance to let go of what may happen. you are lucky to find someone whose going to love you back the same way you love them. some people likes to show love and some people likes to love in silence. i like to love in silence again. in silence, i dont expect. i dont want something more. i have control over it. 

i was wrong in saying most of the things yesterday but i couldn't get that back.what i truly want to do is not to stop loving you but to stop showing it to you. i will try to love you in silence again. i dont care if i may love you for the rest of my life. maybe having you is something i would always want and hope for the rest of my life. its creepy that it sounds like in the movies but it does. im sorry but all i can do is not to show it anymore but i couldn't stop loving you.

how can i stop loving you if my heart lightens everytime you smile? 

God help me. give me more strength to live. 

nine

(i am writing this not for you to read but for myself to express)

i feel sadness and emptiness.

sadness for there's nothing i can do but to accept.

emptiness for the big space in my heart.

it was wrong to say that i need a man in my life. and its not what i want or need. i just want to free myself from loving you because its not healthy for my heart anymore. now i want to start again but i dont even know where to begin. it was different from him before because i had danice, kaye and bk who helped me move on. but now, i only have myself. i dont want to tell others because i dont want them to tell me that im stupid or im wrong. i may sound selfish but i want  to keep this relationship for myself. the private the better. the less opinion from others, the less pain for me.

there are so many what if's inside my head.

what if you were brave enough to leave her? will i be happy? will you be happy?

what if i will just disappear right now? will u miss me more and more?

what if i have the courage to tell you to leave her and choose me? will it change your mind?

i need more strength. its too hard. im totally lost....god help me.....