twenty

you know i waited for you tonight. i know u will not contact me but somehow, there was still this little hope that u would somehow contact me. sad to say, there was a msg from u but it was not from today. it was a delayed msg so i ended up contacting u. i dont know what i really feel, if i felt pain or sadness. i saw you u change in front me. whenever u dont want to see me, it still makes me cry. i have never thought this hurts so much..so painful to the point that i feel numb already. sometimes i think what if i was the one being like this to u, how would u handle it? maybe i am just in love to the person who u were before..i dont know..im scared to meet other men..im scared that the situation will happen..or im scared that when u realize that u love me, i would finally be with someone..just like what happen before..i want to leave my door open for u..but its too painful being someone you cared so much to being just someone. i am so pitiful. that i am scared to let people know. and i dont want people to say cheer up, its gonna be ok, time heals, bcoz its not as easy as it sounds..

people always see me happy..always smiling..they always think im strong and having fun and everything is fine..but they dont know that im so broken inside..that whenever im alone now, ur words kept repeating over and over in my head. so pathetic..i am so pathetic..what im feeling for you is completely opposite of what ur feelings for me..i dont know how to survive this pain by myself..

i was always strong..you know im used to being hurt always..pain is more familiar than love to me..and whenever i broke my heart, i survived by myself...i have never used someone to heal my heart..i have always been strong and knows how to fix my heart.i have always known how to make myself feel better..but this time is so different..it my first time to feel like this..to feel this kind of pain..its so hard, coz i know i really love you and i know u dont love me anymore..the pain of knowing that u dont love me and to force myself to stop loving u is really out my control.. i am so helpless..powerless..i feel sorry for myself..and i wish u can feel exactly what i feel now so u can understand. but u will never understand.

nineteen

  its been quite a awhile since i last wrote something here. things went pretty bad and good at the same time. although there isn't any clear status on what our relationship is. but im not confused anymore. i think im getting ready little by little on what may happen to us.

  right now, things went well. we're okay. i feel stable now. but im not even sure about it myself. i dont know how long will this last. everyday i have this feeling that one day all these good things will come to an end. im scared and powerless. im living each moment with you, cherishing and loving it. this is the only chance i have and i will keep it until the very last time.

  i think i already said everything to you. there's nothing left to say. you know how much precious you are to me. its up to you to do whatever decision is left undone. i think if we go our separate ways i wont feel any regrets since i did the best i can....

eighteen

what happened to the bright girl u have met before?
the one who makes you smile. tease you until you cannot say anything at all. the one who makes your day brighter. the one whom you liked so much. the warm and kind hearted girl that makes your day complete.

what happened to her?
what happened to me?

seventeen

i dont exactly understand why its easy for me to write things when im in pain. but now as things get a little bit better its difficult for me. last night, when we were talking i wanted to tell you how i miss u, wanted to be sweet but i tried so hard to keep it to myself. it was my idea to be less sweeter to each other and i think it made me feel a little bit lighter. its too early to make conclusions, you were right that sometimes i worry too much of the future. so starting this time, i tried not to. i just try to think of other things which has greater possibility to come true than thinking about us being together. 

sixteen

i hope u wont find this blog...i really hope..coz this is the only place where i can be emo all i want...